acting strong...

I tried being  acting strong. I lied to everyone around me...including myself. I blamed myself in order to keep the lie going. It was all I could do to feel strong...to maintain a sense of control. "Everything is great", I'd say. And it's not that I was always deceiving intentionally...I really believed it for awhile. Through it all I provided support for my friends. One in particular moved a few states away with a man who turned out to be an abusive shit. She would call me frequently to vent. And after a few months of all this I  ended up sitting on a bus for 16 hours to help her get away from him...I felt like such a hypocrite...encouraging her to leave when I couldn't do it myself. I justified it..."My situation is different." "I am strong." "I know what I am doing"...those were only some of the lies I told myself.
Now I lie for different reasons. It seems that since everyone knows what happened with "the last one" that I will be painted as a victim by some. No matter what I do or say every bruise or scrap in under evaluation....every argument is under a damn microscope. I know...I know...they probably care for me and have my best interest in heart but I still feel like a victim around them. I don't feel like they are ever going to see me as the strong woman I am...the strong woman who left. The strong woman who was always able to make her own choices. The strong woman who was beneath the facade...the lies...always telling them for a reason.
It hurts to know that the people you love have stopped believing in you...have stopped respecting you. It is rage inducing to know that I can not repair all the damage my ex has done...to know that he has damaged friendships that I thought would last forever.
The reason I am bringing this up now is because of a situation that happened a few months back. My partner and I went out for some drinks and after a few hours of drinking a couple of my friends joined us. Lets call them "amy" and "tracy". Now "tracy" had been in my life for a very long time. We've pretty much been best friends since we knew what best friends were. But "tracy" has a problem with letting other people speak. She's one of those people that goes on and on...and there almost always seems to be someone willing to hang on her every word. This has made it hard for me to want to hang out with "tracy" when other people are around. Unfortunately for this night, I am not the only one who has a hard time dealing with her.
Anyways, a lot of stuff happens that's not worth describing and then "tracy" and my partner get into it. He ends up telling her to shut up which really sets her off. He exits the car to go into the liqour store. That's when "tracy" starts in with me...she wants me to take sides. I explain to her that I don't really want to get in the middle of it. This seems to piss her off more. She then tells me that she is going to get a bf and have him hit me ...or some nonsense. I told her I would have his ass arrested...then she pulls out the big one...she says "You don't even call the cops when your own bf hits you". Down right fucking insensitive. I would just write it off as her being drunk but really she didn't have much to drink...and it's not the first time she's been insensitive about my past.
There was one night I'll never forget...this was back when I was still with my ex...she screams out in front of a busy coffee shop (one I went to frequently...and many regulars were there at the time) that my bf hits me. I really didn't know what to do...that was one of the most humiliating moments of my entire life. That hurt more than my bf hitting me. That was real betrayal.
I never told her how much she hurt me...mostly because I think she already knows.
So now...I can't really trust anyone close to me.I lie to protect myself. I act strong because I have no one to depend on.