victim mentality?

I will not be silenced...
You wanna claim I got a "victim mentality"...
Just because the world as it is seen by you...
isn't the same as it is seen by me...
I have feared being open about the fucked up bullshit..
that was once apart of my reality...
knowing full well that after breaking my silence...
I would no longer be taken seriously...
that my anger about any injustice would be attributed to my "victim status"...
you'd ask..."what happened to you to make you so angry?"...
I'd say..."nothing"...
Knowing that the question was only an attempt to revictimize me...
to invalidate any argument...
w/o actually having to say anything relevant to the subject at hand...
avoiding discomfort on your part...
making sure that all your assumptions about society remained intact...
so you wouldn't have to change anything...


So no, I do not have a "victim mentality" (I hate that term). Some fucked up shit happened in my life...shit that was NOT my fault. I am recovering and a part of that is by writing about my past. I am getting it out and refusing to allow others to shame or blame me. I will not be silenced just because I was with an asshole once. My opinions matter...and my stances aren't just gut reactions. I have done plenty of research before coming to my conclusions. Just because I was once abused does not mean that I now lack rationality.

Does a week go by w/o me hearing about PETA being insensitive to humans?

Nope...they're at it again...

PETA uses KKK imagery at dog show protest

trivialize white supremacy by comparing its victims to abused animals

PETA Dresses Up As KKK

PETA Racism Goes Into Overload

I second what Renee said @ Womanist Musings "FUCK YOU PETA"... I am so sick of this shit.

acting strong...

I tried being  acting strong. I lied to everyone around me...including myself. I blamed myself in order to keep the lie going. It was all I could do to feel strong...to maintain a sense of control. "Everything is great", I'd say. And it's not that I was always deceiving intentionally...I really believed it for awhile. Through it all I provided support for my friends. One in particular moved a few states away with a man who turned out to be an abusive shit. She would call me frequently to vent. And after a few months of all this I  ended up sitting on a bus for 16 hours to help her get away from him...I felt like such a hypocrite...encouraging her to leave when I couldn't do it myself. I justified it..."My situation is different." "I am strong." "I know what I am doing"...those were only some of the lies I told myself.
Now I lie for different reasons. It seems that since everyone knows what happened with "the last one" that I will be painted as a victim by some. No matter what I do or say every bruise or scrap in under evaluation....every argument is under a damn microscope. I know...I know...they probably care for me and have my best interest in heart but I still feel like a victim around them. I don't feel like they are ever going to see me as the strong woman I am...the strong woman who left. The strong woman who was always able to make her own choices. The strong woman who was beneath the facade...the lies...always telling them for a reason.
It hurts to know that the people you love have stopped believing in you...have stopped respecting you. It is rage inducing to know that I can not repair all the damage my ex has done...to know that he has damaged friendships that I thought would last forever.
The reason I am bringing this up now is because of a situation that happened a few months back. My partner and I went out for some drinks and after a few hours of drinking a couple of my friends joined us. Lets call them "amy" and "tracy". Now "tracy" had been in my life for a very long time. We've pretty much been best friends since we knew what best friends were. But "tracy" has a problem with letting other people speak. She's one of those people that goes on and on...and there almost always seems to be someone willing to hang on her every word. This has made it hard for me to want to hang out with "tracy" when other people are around. Unfortunately for this night, I am not the only one who has a hard time dealing with her.
Anyways, a lot of stuff happens that's not worth describing and then "tracy" and my partner get into it. He ends up telling her to shut up which really sets her off. He exits the car to go into the liqour store. That's when "tracy" starts in with me...she wants me to take sides. I explain to her that I don't really want to get in the middle of it. This seems to piss her off more. She then tells me that she is going to get a bf and have him hit me ...or some nonsense. I told her I would have his ass arrested...then she pulls out the big one...she says "You don't even call the cops when your own bf hits you". Down right fucking insensitive. I would just write it off as her being drunk but really she didn't have much to drink...and it's not the first time she's been insensitive about my past.
There was one night I'll never forget...this was back when I was still with my ex...she screams out in front of a busy coffee shop (one I went to frequently...and many regulars were there at the time) that my bf hits me. I really didn't know what to do...that was one of the most humiliating moments of my entire life. That hurt more than my bf hitting me. That was real betrayal.
I never told her how much she hurt me...mostly because I think she already knows.
So now...I can't really trust anyone close to me.I lie to protect myself. I act strong because I have no one to depend on.

more....sex???

So you wanna watch people "fuck"?
Personally...that would be fine with me...
if only we lived in a place...
where all humans were equal and free...

It's not a matter of religion...
And if you think it is...
you haven't been listening to me...

It's not a question of choice...
when most are restricted...
from certain things that could change their destiny...

It's not a question of sexual repression...
when there are other ways to fight it...
that have nothing to do with the industry...

It's not a question of freedom...
when you're maintaining...
a system that uses the "minority"...

And never has it been...
a matter of my "jealousy"...
or any kind of fucked up "insecurity"...

It's me...
not wanting to be brainwashed...
sexually...

It's me...

seeing that you're a hypocrite...
who does oppose..
other forms of media...
knowing the threat that they pose...

It's me..

seeing that you pick and choose your battles...
only anti-oppression..usually...
when doing so won't force you...
to find new ways to get off sexually...

It's me...

no longer can I take you seriously...
You're inconsistent..
with the things...
to which you are resistant..

AT least if you were willing...
to learn...to grow...
To see that the problem is...
the system as a whole...

Then perhaps...
I could say...
it's alright that you're not quite...
a perfect person today...

Sex???

I'm not superficial with my "fucking"...
people are more than just the flesh we can see...

There are more than 5 fucking senses...
and you don't even bother with three...


You don't give a fuck about the experience...

or sensuality...

you just wanna climax all over...

my sexuality...


You want me to feed your ego...
by moaning aloud...

All while talking me into things...
that don't make me proud...


So I ask you Mr. Misogynist...
Why should I let you fuck me?

Then you call me a prude...
that needs to spreed her legs to be free....


Be free?

To be forced into your sexual slavery?

No...No...No...
I got too much bravery...

To buy into your view...
of how MY body should react...
To all you impose ...
to make sex easier...more compact...


I have expectations...
on how MY sex should be...
And if you don't share them....
I still have me...

And that's all I need...

to be sexually free..

unsure for now?

I've been thinkin' about it...
for awhile now...
still I am...
unsure...for now...

I've been tryin' to build up confidence...
for awhile now...
still I sit...
unsure...for now...

I used to write more...
a lot more...
than I have been...
though...I have never considered myself a writer...
always been unsure about that...
and I remain...
unsure for now...

And yes...
I usually feel uncomfortable with the constraints society places on this language...
others seem to think they own it...
and I feel bound...sometimes...
because when I allow myself any small amount of free expression...
I feel...
unsure...
insecure in my ability to truly relate to other people...
and we all want to relate...I am no different...
but to who?...I must ask myself...

perhaps...
if you don't "get" what I am saying...
my message isn't intended for you...

perhaps if you don't like how I write...
it's you who should stop reading...
and not I who should stop typing...

Hopefully...
as I express my thoughts more...
I will become sure....

we'll see...